20. On One Hand...
When I’m in a mood, I can be really hard to be around. Ask anyone: husband, family, friends, and even strangers, and they will come to quick consensus that I can be a short-tempered, deliberately obtuse, passive-aggressive, petty, cruel, dismissive, ego-maniac who will, without fail, bully people into “my way”. Unfortunately for the victims of my moods, they were pretty common. I would leak into a depression that would make me so frustrated with people that I would be a royal turd to get everyone to leave me the heck alone.
But something has changed. I don’t know if it’s being far from other people or because I get to work outside all day, but I feel considerably happier: I have infinite energy to work (seemingly any job); I’m no longer bored or lazily scrolling through social media in an attempt turn off my anxiety; I don’t have dread opening my work email anymore.
Sure, I have terrible days like any person, but they seem so few and far between (though check in with The Hubs, who may correct my perception of this), that I feel like a completely different person. I’m less quick to anger, or to be exhausted by a human interaction; I feel like I have the space in my brain to take in other people and just let them be them without being irritated by it (usually).
After spending a whole day in the field planting and weeding, collecting and washing eggs, taking the dogs out multiple times, caring for the baby chicks and geese, and mowing, I feel rejuvenated, not exhausted (even though it’s a million degrees out with high humidity, and I’m picking ticks off of my dogs and myself daily, can’t get my hands clean no matter what I do, and wrestle with my overalls when I have to run in to the bathroom). Even now, sitting down to write this, I’m thinking: “I should go out and do one more row of weeding before staring dinner…”
So here’s the rub: on one hand, I feel great. I’m free and easy, working hard but loving it, so I look forward to the work and am excited for the “days off” I get from my other jobs that allow me to farm. “Days off” is in quotes because I have three jobs, and to do any one, I am neglecting two others, so there is no such thing as a “day off”, really, though I’m sure many relate to that concept as a way of life as well.
But on the other hand, my husband feels trapped by the overwhelming amount of work to be done on the house, is not a fan of his new job (you know, the one that brought us out here), and seems much less satisfied by his life than myself. We’ve essentially had a role reversal with this move, and the transition has been particularly hard on our relationship.
As the old saying goes, “Change is hard”. I just hope that we’re able to find some equilibrium…